u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
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*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin