Marriage: When dating goes too far.
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5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!