The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
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*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Any refunds available?…
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I’d love this…lol
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays