Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
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Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Google Pay be like: