ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
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[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.