Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
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[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
My ideal weight is five million dollars
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…