you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
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Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
guilty
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Sign at work today
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal