Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
You Might Also Like
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t