Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
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Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands