When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
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Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Beware…..
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.