Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
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Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I want this so bad
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.