How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
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What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
lmfao come on
mentally somewhere in italy
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
The Onion called it…again.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut