Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
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barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
why am I working on Labor Day
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.