wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
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“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I was up all night reading about insomnia
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
dam girl
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill