Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
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Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
car not found
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Green is just blue that someone peed in
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume