Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
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Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.