@retomeier

¯_(ツ)_/¯

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@dorkwing_duck

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

@Darlainky

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

@PaperWash

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

@SoVeryBritish

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

@BradBroaddus

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

@marinhubka

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

@GotJbenny

Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.

@Havish_AF

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.