¯_(ツ)_/¯
You Might Also Like
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities