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My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.


When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.


Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot


Whenever people talk about “drug resistant super bugs”, all I can think about is how proud I am of those little guys for having the willpower to stay clean & sober in what must be an incredibly dangerous and stressful environment.


TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?


there are 1,013,913 english words but I never could string together any of them to accurately explain how much I want to hit u with a chair


Kid: Dad, a girl called me ugly, how long does ugly last..
Dad:Hey hun
Dad: How old are you?
Mom: 45
Dad:theres your answer kid


I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.