@samalmightysam

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

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@doktorj

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

@KateQFunny

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

@rudy_mustang

computer: enter password

me: mypulloutgame

computer: password weak

all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying

@Laser_Cat

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

@JamesHavoc

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

@professorxavi

*Cute girls approaches*
“You keep glancing over here, so I thought I’d come make the first move”

*Panics*
*Starts making car alarm sounds*

@dafloydsta

WIFE: He won’t stop pretending he’s Larry King.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *turns to camera* We’ll hear more of Karen’s lies. Up next.

@Marlebean

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

@HannahFlores01

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

@rolldiggity

INTERVIEWER: “How would you describe yourself?”
ME: “Verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance.”