• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

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Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.


TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.



computer: enter password

me: mypulloutgame

computer: password weak

all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying


Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*


What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.


*Cute girls approaches*
“You keep glancing over here, so I thought I’d come make the first move”

*Starts making car alarm sounds*


WIFE: He won’t stop pretending he’s Larry King.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *turns to camera* We’ll hear more of Karen’s lies. Up next.


(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
M: Nice carpet
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.


Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*


INTERVIEWER: “How would you describe yourself?”
ME: “Verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance.”