Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises
-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
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No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I like to wipe real slow now I know the real value of toilet paper
i used to be good at math but then i finished 1st grade
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
How do you give up in a towel throwing contest?
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
harry: [uses magic off school grounds literally one time]
ministry of magic: send an owl this instant. expel him from school
voldemort: [freely uses killing curse to commit wand murder]
ministry of magic: dang lol wish we could find that guy