@BoomBoomBetty

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

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@curlycomedy

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

@RealDMK

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

@gossiped

i used to be good at math but then i finished 1st grade

@WheelTod

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

@offbeatoliv

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

@constantlyjosh

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

@randypaint

harry: [uses magic off school grounds literally one time]

ministry of magic: send an owl this instant. expel him from school

voldemort: [freely uses killing curse to commit wand murder]

ministry of magic: dang lol wish we could find that guy