@shwebby3

•Woozy woman comes up•
“OMG I’m-I’m gonna faint!”

“Go ahead, knock yourself out”

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@roadsidephil

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

@Marcmywords2

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

@Marlebean

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

@DothTheDoth

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

@TheHyyyype

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

@SirEvisiae

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

@yeaanotherchris

My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.

@NikiWithIssues

Knowing is half the battle. The other half is choosing the right pokemon.

@ehdannyboy

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

@UncleDuke1969

Kanye West Presents:

KANYE ON BROADWAY

Featuring:

“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”