☺️
You Might Also Like
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.