? I’m like a bird, I’ll only swim away, I don’t know what a bird is ?

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that show “Intervention” should just be called “Haters”


In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.


if ur date declines a kiss at the end of the night open ur mouth and let the ants escape. Then say “it’s ok I had a mouthful of ants anyway”


A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.


People usually stop coming over to your house when you greet them with “Make yourself at home, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T OPEN THE FREEZER.”


[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*


look I don’t know what your problem is but I’ve got extra if you need to borrow one


My dog has figured out I’m Chinese. He totally tried to make a run for it.
Silly dog, I’m not going to eat you until I train a replacement.


Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?