? I’m like a bird, I’ll only swim away, I don’t know what a bird is ?

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Do cops tell bad guys to freeze in Alaska? Or is it just understood?


Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately.


[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL


Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.


My ex-wife’s wedding was last weekend, so I sent a cardboard cut-out of myself holding a cardboard cut-out of a wedding present.


I’m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don’t really get the metric system. How much exactly is “in moderation”?


*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?



I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.


Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.


A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.