@000___000

? I’m like a bird, I’ll only swim away, I don’t know what a bird is ?

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@Darlainky

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

@WheelTod

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

@Cyd10e

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

@SCbchbum

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

@_Tempo11

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

@ArfMeasures

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

@dresspants

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

@chuuew

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…