that show “Intervention” should just be called “Haters”
? I’m like a bird, I’ll only swim away, I don’t know what a bird is ?
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In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
if ur date declines a kiss at the end of the night open ur mouth and let the ants escape. Then say “it’s ok I had a mouthful of ants anyway”
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
People usually stop coming over to your house when you greet them with “Make yourself at home, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T OPEN THE FREEZER.”
If you’re happy and you know it, share your meds
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
look I don’t know what your problem is but I’ve got extra if you need to borrow one
My dog has figured out I’m Chinese. He totally tried to make a run for it.
Silly dog, I’m not going to eat you until I train a replacement.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?