? I’m like a bird, I’ll only swim away, I don’t know what a bird is ?

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Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.


A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience


There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.


One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.


Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.


ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave


I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.


SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…