@UncleDuke1969

? 12 drummers drumming
? 11 pipers piping
? 10 lords a leaping
? 9 ladies dancing
? 8 maids a milking
? 7 swans a swimming
? 6 geese a laying
?

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

@HeyJennyLeone

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

@HiddenPinky

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

@ibid78

[my 1st day as a doctor] I can’t find a pulse
[patient] that’s a trashcan. I’m over here
[me] hold on, I think this trashcan is dying

@KeetPotato

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

@six_2_and_even

It’s not easy but it is possible to dance to Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas

@iatemuggles

“DO NOT TOUCH” must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille

@Holy_Mowgli

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

@Sickayduh

DAD: I want a steak.

HER: Eat this chicken instead. It’s healthy.

DAD: No it isn’t. It’s dead.