What do you call the yellow ones?
And the black ones?
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
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Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
One does not simply walk into more doors.
[my 1st day as a doctor] I can’t find a pulse
[patient] that’s a trashcan. I’m over here
[me] hold on, I think this trashcan is dying
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
It’s not easy but it is possible to dance to Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas
“DO NOT TOUCH” must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
DAD: I want a steak.
HER: Eat this chicken instead. It’s healthy.
DAD: No it isn’t. It’s dead.
Punctuation is important, kids.