People think it’s great if you like kids but will freak out if you assign an age.
I like 10 year olds.
See? Creepy. I’ll wait in the van.
? Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
You are ground down
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I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
[my 1st day as a doctor] I can’t find a pulse
[patient] that’s a trashcan. I’m over here
[me] hold on, I think this trashcan is dying
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.
“Wow,” she says.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
No officer the joke’s on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.