@CornOnTheGoblin

? Taaaake onnn beeees ?
[Take on bees]
? Taaaake beeeees onnn ?
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ?
Too many
Beeeeees ?

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@chuuew

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

@sixfootcandy

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

@NervousJr

I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.

@TheMindOfADad

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

@UnFitz

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

@Brampersandon_

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

@HiddenPinky

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

@simoncholland

Just ran around the house cheering because the Chopped chef’s dessert turned out even though he was way late to the ice cream machine. We miss sports.