No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
?Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae?
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I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Cop: are there any drugs in the car?
Me: ha! I wish
Me: I mean, no
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I got up at 3am this morning. I think that happens as you get older because you want to make sure you haven’t died in your sleep.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Shutting down the bars and liquor stores and my daughters college for the semester.
You want to see a triggered new 21 year old