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@CooIStepDad

“Son it’s time we had the talk”

“Cmon dad I know about se..”

“Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

“What?”

“It was an inside job”

@Reverend_Scott

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

@Fickle_Filly

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

@Addawanna

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

@JasonLastname

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

@sassy__cat6

I like you but not save your life before a dog’s life like you.

@BuckyIsotope

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

@girlnarly

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

@DreamerDixie

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.