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“Son it’s time we had the talk”

“Cmon dad I know about se..”

“Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”


“It was an inside job”


[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to


Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.


I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.


Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.


I like you but not save your life before a dog’s life like you.


*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
*looks up*
Well hell


me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life


Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.