*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
? Client not paid?
? Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
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professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Me: I wonder how a bill becomes a law?
*music plays and the shit on my desk starts singing*
Me: no stop I already looked it up on my phone
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
C: your name is “local resident”?
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I’m always creeped out by the guy who seems to know the age of consent laws a little too well.