@DrakeGatsby

? THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

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@illiter8too

So many athletes thank god for their wins, but I want to see athletes who angrily curse god when they lose.

@ibid78

“We do not negotiate with Pterodactyls.”- President Barack Obamasaurus

@MatCro

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

@dreamthievin

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

@Cunda22

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

@mexinonblonde

You’re a big fat liar! And I don’t believe anything you say!
See if I get naked for you again!!

-Me to my scale as I step off of it

@NewDadNotes

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

@HorryPuttor

“Your password is weak”

You’re the weak one
And you’ll never know love
Or friendship
And I feel sorry for you

@itsrealTED

“I need a boyfriend” No, you WANT a boyfriend. You NEED water, cause you sound thirsty.