@DrakeGatsby

? THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

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@johnbiehl

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

@ehchinoo

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

@envydatropic

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

@sophielou

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

@doctorveritas

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

@SirFlushaLot

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

@mom_ontherocks

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

@WittySassBasket

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’