Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
? THE CORONAVIRUS
-Alone time – Might die
-Can horde toilet
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Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’