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[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
You’re not my real can
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
