I sprayed Taylor Swift’s new perfume on me then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby’s.
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“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.
#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Parents that tell u “it’s just a little noise” when their kid cries on a train are the same ones who knock on ur door when the music is loud
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
When a coworker pisses me off, I like to write his name down for 23 boxes of girl scout cookies on the form in the break room
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Few people know that inventor of the car alarm Enrico Irritanti never owned an automobile. He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.