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Growing out my freckles.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
“Theirye’re” problem solved
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.