I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!
🎵Well we’re movin on up, 🎶
Me: cool, where?
🎶To the east side.🎵
Me: a house?
🎵To a deluxe apartment in the sky. 🎶
Me: Like Cloud City? From Empire Strikes Back?
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doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Why its called ‘having your period’ and not ‘rolling out the red carpet ‘ I’ll never know.
[House Hunters episode]
HUSBAND: I’m a freelance hamster trainer
WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time
HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K
casual sex implies that there is ranked competitive sex
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.