@English_Channel

🎵Well we’re movin on up, 🎶

Me: cool, where?

🎶To the east side.🎵

Me: a house?

🎵To a deluxe apartment in the sky. 🎶

Me: Like Cloud City? From Empire Strikes Back?

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@3sunzzz

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

@Staggfilms

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

@retsoor

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

@I_am_carbs

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

@RodLacroix

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

@realHamOnWry

My nephew asked, ‘Do you have a New Years hangover today?’ I said, ‘No. Hangovers are for people who stop drinking’.

@carboncaitlin

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

@AnnietheNanny1

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

@SaraMansford

The only way I’d be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I’d have to eventually fold.