@English_Channel

🎵Well we’re movin on up, 🎶

Me: cool, where?

🎶To the east side.🎵

Me: a house?

🎵To a deluxe apartment in the sky. 🎶

Me: Like Cloud City? From Empire Strikes Back?

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@ElKnuckelhombre

I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!

@CAshmanActor

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

@VicFuture

Why its called ‘having your period’ and not ‘rolling out the red carpet ‘ I’ll never know.

@ValeeGrrl

[House Hunters episode]

HUSBAND: I’m a freelance hamster trainer

WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time

HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K

@W0nderW0manW0w

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

@RedRegenerated

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

@iscoff

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

@KentWGraham

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

@rikpayne

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.