🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

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I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.


I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]


I was singing in the gym shower & the girl in the one beside me started singing along & then suddenly my life became this weird, naked duet.


My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries


What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?


i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t


I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.



her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends
are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no