One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
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If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
*gives gf a small gift wrapped box*
“aww what’s this, youre so sweet”
“wait, is this my toothbrush?”
YOU DONT LIVE HERE KAREN
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
White parent Vs Arab parents
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What the hell is leftover beer?