@sofarrsogud

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

You Might Also Like

@free_mattress

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

@AnnietheNanny1

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

@MissSassy_Pants

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

@KeetPotato

*gives gf a small gift wrapped box*
“aww what’s this, youre so sweet”
*opens it*
“wait, is this my toothbrush?”
YOU DONT LIVE HERE KAREN

@squirrel74wkgn

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

@Try2StopME

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

@JermHimselfish

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

@EtobicokeErnie

Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What the hell is leftover beer?