@sofarrsogud

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

You Might Also Like

@kfoagkfoag

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

@FormerGrunt

When I die, just toss my body out of an airplane flying over NYC while wearing a superman costume.

@d_duhwit

Wife: No one’s ever gunna buy your hip hop cooking album. Get a job! *sweeps my papers off the kitchen counter *
Me: MY RECIBEATS!

@KimmyMonte

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

@mela_shea

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

@alyssalimp

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

@gobmentcheese

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

@Eightinchgoat

Sorry I tried to strengthen my immune system by asking your wife to breast feed me.

@itsdhruvism

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*