🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

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ME: What do we want?!


ME: When do we–oh


When I die, just toss my body out of an airplane flying over NYC while wearing a superman costume.


Wife: No one’s ever gunna buy your hip hop cooking album. Get a job! *sweeps my papers off the kitchen counter *


I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.


I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days


Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed


Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.


Sorry I tried to strengthen my immune system by asking your wife to breast feed me.


Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*