@OhNoSheTwitnt

🎶 You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why. Life gets worse when you’re an adult. 🎶

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@ApocalypseBnG

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

@hollywoodsigh

I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.

@itshotterhere

9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK?

my face: *look of horror*

9: firetruck! What else?

me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*

@packiejam

if i could just have a moment of ur time to show u this…

@OrvllShrednbchr

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

@JohnLyonTweets

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

@AndyAsAdjective

JUMP

ING

UP

AND

DOWN

ON

THE

TRAMP

O

LINE

OUT

SIDE

YOUR

WIN

DOW

IS

NOT

HOW

I

WANT

ED

TO

BREAK

UP

WITH

YOU

KAR

EN

@david8hughes

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I ‚Äúoveruse‚ÄĚ them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

@thenatewolf

Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don’t confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.