How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
🎶 You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why. Life gets worse when you’re an adult. 🎶
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I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.
9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK?
my face: *look of horror*
9: firetruck! What else?
me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*
if i could just have a moment of ur time to show u this…
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don’t confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.