Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.