Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

sin harder.

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.