Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
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Oh, you’ve already put up your Christmas tree?
That’s nothing. I’m already drunk for St. Patrick’s Day.
-We need you to kill the leader of Russia.
“I’ll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!”
-Alright! Who invited PunMan?!
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
The past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
me: the outer layer of a tree
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Death: You’ll see me eventually.
Me: Or *will* I?
D: Uh, yes, you absolutely will. I’ve got you scheduled.
M: Or “do” you?
D: Stop that.
HIM: So, you like Star Wars.
ME: *sipping soup thru a bendy straw so I don’t have to take off my C-3PO mask* *shakes head yes*
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.