@geekysteven

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

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@Bownuggets

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

@AIcohoIgames

Oh, you’ve already put up your Christmas tree?

That’s nothing. I’m already drunk for St. Patrick’s Day.

@tuckerflodman

[CIA]

-We need you to kill the leader of Russia.

“I’ll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!”

-Alright! Who invited PunMan?!

@briangaar

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

@ClichedOut

me: i trained my dog to talk

her: let’s see

me: describe sandpaper

dog: ruff

me: the outer layer of a tree

dog: bark

her: this sucks

me: that little rapper guy

dog: bow wow

@TheAlexNevil

Death: You’ll see me eventually.
Me: Or *will* I?
D: Uh, yes, you absolutely will. I’ve got you scheduled.
M: Or “do” you?
D: Stop that.

@EyeSeeYou619

[First Date]

HIM: So, you like Star Wars.
ME: *sipping soup thru a bendy straw so I don’t have to take off my C-3PO mask* *shakes head yes*

@rainerfm

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.