🐟✨ #re4
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[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
#gardening
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?