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ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me


I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.


I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are “Halloween decorations” again.


*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??


boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂


Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?


Do women know that it’s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?


DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it