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@DanMentos

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

@ImSoFrancis

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

@Intooblivion3

Before I rip these panties off you I gotta ask. Are they Victoria’s Secret or Wal-Mart? It’s important cause I’m on a budget and I’ll feel obligated to replace them.

@vanderwangwe

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

@cellapaz

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

@SadMeterologist

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

@notbedelia

If you play Titanic backwards it’s about a guy who rises from the sea, bangs a ginger and tries to throw her over the railing of a boat.

@DepressedDarth

I’d rather listen to Chewbacca get a bikini wax than listen to Pitbull’s music