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@RobertManchild

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

@thatguyJA

My son ate all the marshmallows in the Lucky Charms and well guess who isn’t paying for his college now.

@Karate_Horse

[karate sign up table]
“Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class”

@TheAlexNevil

If history has taught me anything, it’s only because there was some cool movie about it.

@LoveNLunchmeat

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”

@CanadianBeave13

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

@Lerky

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

@Book_Krazy

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo