My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
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My son ate all the marshmallows in the Lucky Charms and well guess who isn’t paying for his college now.
[karate sign up table]
“Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class”
If history has taught me anything, it’s only because there was some cool movie about it.
I think my mom just blocked me
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Me: Watcha got there?
Me: What kind?