ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
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I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.
I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are “Halloween decorations” again.
‘Active’ shower gel because I have no idea what active smells like.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Him: you’re so cool
Him: …and aloof
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Do women know that it’s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it