💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
You Might Also Like
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year