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Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
My blood type is b hungry.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.