💁🏻♂️
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Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
i think both sides are to blame here
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.