*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
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Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Let me get this straight Hulu Plus. I pay you $ to watch shows & then you fill those shows with commercials. This sounds familiar.
Him: how old are you?
Me: *holding up fingers* this many
Him: *frightened* t-twenty five?
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
When this quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
They say I can take the catheter out next week. And no, I’ll never piss on an electric fence again
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.