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*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!


Let me get this straight Hulu Plus. I pay you $ to watch shows & then you fill those shows with commercials. This sounds familiar.


Him: how old are you?

Me: *holding up fingers* this many

Him: *frightened* t-twenty five?


Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.


Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat


They say I can take the catheter out next week. And no, I’ll never piss on an electric fence again


Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.