@ModernFamiIyy

😂😂😂😂

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@TYrannosaurus

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

@LukeWheeler01

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a parrot.

Parrot: ok.

God: you can repeat everything you hear.

Parrot: humans are the worst.

God: uh what?

Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.

God:

Parrot:

God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?

Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.

@bartlebytaco

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, β€œbaby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

@LoveNLunchmeat

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

@Jake_Vig

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

@preawsaurus

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves πŸ™‚