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@Swishergirl24: The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
@Brianhopecomedy: Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could've sworn she mouthed the word "crap".
@WineMummy: Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom* Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on? M:I found a gray hair! H:So? M:IN MY EYEBROW!!