Boss: John, tell me your greatest weakness
B: I don’t think that’s a weakness
M: I don’t give a shit what you think.
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People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”